The other day my idiot partner, frightened Brick so much that he now is puking from stress when he has to be around his dad. The 2nd ultimatum was given from me. The first one given about 2 months ago. He followed it half-assedly. Now I have issued the second ultimatum. He said that the drugs made him feel like a "compliant member of society". I told him that he can either be a compliant member of society and a Dad or he can be a loose cannon (and not a dad). Tomorrow I am going to call the local domestic abuse prevention program--Canopy. I don't know what to do. He loves his boys--especially Puddles. He has always felt like Brick is his competition. Okay, I partnered with a man who is 5 years younger than I am, but he is over 35. Honestly, do they never grow up. I have a book on hold at the library that is called "The self-esteem trap" It is about the parents who try to be their kid's friends instead of parents. It came highly recommended.
I will protect my children at any cost...any cost. I am about to burst. I just see black when I close my eyes. I dropped off the car at 8:45 tonight, because he can pay $500 for a fucking 3rd--yes THIRD bicycle, but he can't pay a cent or put any effort into making sure that me & the boys are safe in the car. The car has needed the rear brakes replaced for probably a year now. In all that time, he bought the brakes and had them in the basement of our house for about 9 months now. Really? Do I have to protect my family in every way, shape and form. I am just frickin' disgusted. the world revolves around Jaybe. You would think the sun rose and set on his ass. WTF. Seriously...
I am trying to deal with the fact that 3 1/2 months ago, my older brother, my first best friend was mysteriously killed in a plane crash after a depositon and before testifying. I recently discovered that the prosecuting atty had tried to issue an order of protection. I wish to GOD he had succeeded. I miss Clem so damned much. Not having him call on my birthday just cut me to the bone. I want to scream and thrash and cry and rage...I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH. It's not fair and I hate the politicians more and more.
And all Jaybe can see is that I am having trouble getting out of bed and I am letting the kids watch too much tv. Okay, I live with PTSD from childhood abuse triggered by a PC experience, Post partum depression after both my kids; I was hospitalized after the second one, when I couldn't sleep for an indeterminant amount of time. Thank goodness that I was, because I was finally able to get back on the anti-anxieties, that I was practically pleading for--but since I don't experience anxiety every day--it cycles--some doctors think I am med-seeking, which is a joke b/c I am sensitive to chemicals and drugs and rarely even take a tylenol.
Anyway...that's whats going on with me. If anyone reads this and has constructive advice, or words of strength, please let me know. I just want to be a good mom to my kids.
America’s Next Great Author
9 months ago
4 comments:
i know you've heard from me on this a number of times, but i am still here for you. jaybe sucks! okay...maybe not construcive....
fuck him; he's trash?
He sounds a little too familiar. Have you ever read the book: "Why Does He Do That?: A Guide to Understanding Angry and Controlling Men"? I think that's the name. Anyway, it helped me a lot. I always went for the victim abusers and put up with their shit because I felt sorry for them and were confused by them. The book basically said, that all abusive men are manipulators. I have no idea why I didn't see it before, but I haven't put up with an abusive asshole since. I don't buy their crap anymore. It's a wonderful feeling. It kills old ex-hubby though that his schtick doesn't work on me anymore, but it's really empowering for my girls to see that.
Thanks guys--your right, mighty, I know your right...he's never gonna leave. Churlita, thanks so much for the book recommendation. I am ordering it from the library as I type--well soon anyway. Yeah, you picked a slick one. Charming and good looking, and we always thank them for the beautiful kids they gave us, but then we have to protect the kids and be the role models so that they don't fuck up their kids. Doesn't really seem fair, does it? It is good to know that there is hope. I'm exhausted from making excuses for him and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Love to you both. Thanks for hearing my cyber cry for help.
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