Upping the Ante

So, my head is in a fog today. It has been too long since I have written. I need to write and exercise in order to keep myself sane. I am exercising pretty regularly, this is good. Okay. Where to start? Today, my focus will be a 'relationship' of sorts that has been on-going for a few months. Until yesterday I had not met the person, our dealings with each other were purely by phone, social networking, & Scrabble-playing. I don't even have a good pseudonym, so he will be Dude. We have been messaging extensively in the last 4 months or so, getting to know each other through telephone and written word. I was planning on meeting him in his town the day before my birthday. This is about a month away. I was getting cold feet. I pushed back the visit by one day. Almost as soon as I did that I get a call from Dude saying that he and his friend are planning on road tripping to my town for the day to attend the political rally that is on-going to fight the Governor's proposed budget cut which includes depriving some state workers from collective bargaining. He calls stating that he wants to come and asks, "Is that okay?" (NO! NO!NONONONONONONO!) "Sure." I resently had my water heater replaced, my kitchen is the filthiest it has ever been. Then I had the flu. It lasted 2 days, I just recovered. With the kitchen being a mess, I haven't had time to clean the rest of the house. My WHOLE house is a disaster area, and he gives me 24 hour notice. Damn!
Also, after Puddles was born, I was in physical therapy and being treated by a chiropractor for 18 months. I still haven't lost my baby weight, and I really want to. I just started working out on a full time basis. And, lastly, I don't like when my plans get trumped. I was just getting used to the idea that I had only a month to prepare. A month shrinks to less than 24 hours. Crap.
I like that we've resolved at least 3 disagreements, we've learned a lot about each other's upbringing and past. We had a period where he rejected me because his therapist said that he wasn't ready. We've exchanged more info in a few short months than I have with others during an entire relationship. And yet, I don't know. He has a lot of issues and something that he is not yet ready to share with me. I have a lot of issues. We ARE both working on our issues, so that says something. He is more like me than anyone I've ever dated. And yet, today, I am left wondering if we will get to the stage where we ARE dating.
He is great with kids. He was great with my kids, holding the younger, hugging the older and I am thinking, "Dude, don't write checks with your actions that your heart can't cash. Don't give my babies hope." They so crave adult male attention. And before you know it, Brick is saying, "Mom, I like spending time with him". And Puddles is stating, "I like Dude, he is very nice to me." Puddles is 3 now, when he says 'very nice' it sounds like 'fairy nice' which is super cute.
We go to the rally and after that to a busy, child-oriented restaurant. I can't get a read on my own feelings toward him, let alone his feeling toward me. I was so sure about 'us' before I met him. He kept warning me about making him the perfect person. So now I am hesitant. The kids are involved. I am still a bit shell-shocked from my relationship with Jaybe. I thought he would make a good dad. I had the wool pulled over my eyes. Is Dude indeed like me? Is he a good guy? I think so, I hope so. Is he even interested after seeing my messy house, my chubby body? How do I feel about him? The commitment-phobe in me is scared. I truly believe that Clem had a hand in bringing Dude into my life due to the fact that it was my Catholicism that opened the door of communication between us. Dude was intrigued that I was raised Irish Catholic. After Clem's funeral, his widow told all Clem's siblings how much he wanted us to go back to the church. Was this lapsed Catholic boy going to lead me back to the church of my youth? I don't know.
There were moments, for me, at least, where I felt some attraction, some level of comfortableness. But my lack of sleep and complete nervousness clouded my mind, leaving me in a fog of panic for most of the encounter. I think the upshot of the premature (in my mind) meeting is that I am more certain now more than ever, that if we do become anything more than friends, we have to take it slow, not only for our kids' sakes (He has a boy that is slightly older than Brick) but also for our own sakes. A part of me is very invested in our friendship, and wants to stay there. But there is another part of me that asks myself questions from a Fleetwood Mac song, "Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?"
I don't know...I really, really don't know. I hope to find out, though. Damn.