Custody II, the sequel

The main reason that I postponed asking for child support was that I wanted to take the kids on one last long train ride for the last time before I would have to deal with his controlling b.s. We first traveled by car in early July to my parents' house in order to celebrate my dad's birthday. But we actually boarded a train the third of July and traveled by train to Washington, D.C. and were then picked up by my friend Mimi in Baltimore. We had a roomette on the train and a great trip. Sleeping on the train was fun. We stayed with her and her two boys, Atticus and Danny. They are 13 and 7, respectively. They live in a lovely neighborhood in a nice older house. Mimi had gone through much the same as I, except that her ex was adulterous, not abusive. She was welcoming. We were staying for 2 weeks at their house.
We arrived on the 4th of July, the boys were at their father's. The day was laid back and relaxing. The boys were able to watch fireworks from their upstairs window. It was one of the most wonderful, laid-back time with my dear, sweet, generous friend from college. Her 2 boys, my two boys and a lovely time in Baltimore.

Healing the Wounds...

Thinking over the last 10 plus years that I had been emotionally abused by Jaybe brings to mind the two methods of cooking a lobster. Bear with me. The two schools of thought differ in which is the more humane way. The first is that you bring a big pot of water to a rolling boil and drop the lobster into it. Some say that you can hear the lobster 'scream', but others insist this is just the sound of the body expanding inside the shell in the heat of the water. The other method is the one with which I identify after enduring the journey of a now defunct dysfunctional partnership. It goes as follows: one places the lobster in a big pot of tepid water and slowly turns up the heat until the lobster is dead and cooked. 'They' say that the lobster never even notices. How do 'they' know? Certainly, somewhere in their little crustacean brains they have to notice that they are dying, don't they? And if they have a little lobster friend in the pot with them, don't you think they would be turning to their buddy and saying, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" and the pal would reply, "Now that you mention it, it DOES seem like was a lot cooler when we first got in."
I cannot pinpoint when the abuse started. I think that things changed once we moved in together and then again, shortly thereafter, when we had our wedding. The property damage didn't start until Brick was 6-8 months old, and it seemed, at the time, to be a one time incident related to his frustration of trying to help Brick go to sleep for the first time without me in the house. Reflecting back on that instance, I distinctly remember telling him to wait until I returned, and I would nurse Brick to sleep. I also remember his anger and competitiveness with Brick for my attention, and his
insane jealousy of my ability to calm Brick by simply putting him to my breast. He admitted that he wished that he, too, could lactate. At the time I thought it a sign of his wanting to be nurturing. Now I realize it was more of a sign of wanting to be the one in control, the one with the power.
I will write Custody !! (the sequel) sooner or later, but for now, I am tired.

Custody...

Since Jaybe and I were never legally married, it would be necessary for us to go before a judge and declare paternity in order for him to have ANY custodial rights. I know this. He does not. This would have to be done in order for me to receive child support, as well. Since he cut me off financially when he left the house (he stopped putting money into the joint account in order that I could pay the bills, buy necessities like cat food as well as food for the kids (we are now on food stamps), etc) my thinking WAS that I would have to file for child support. I dreaded this b/c Jaybe is EXTREMELY irresponsible when it comes to finances. So much so, that my credit rating was over 780 when we entered into our union, therefore the house, for which his mom gave us a generous (two-thirds the cost of the house) down payment. Then, for two or three years, Jaybe had his heart set on being a licensed massage therapist. So instead of taking small steps (going into a partnership, working at a small, established office) he, with the encouragement of his mother, started renting his own office, which at one-half the cost of our monthly mortgage.
I was working full-time at a job with benefits. When I finally became pregnant, after five years of failed attempts, I also lost my job. At this point, I received unemployment during the first 2 trimesters of the pregnancy and worked part-time during the third. Jaybe continued to follow his dream of using his LMT license by being in business for himself. Sure, he worked for a caterer part-time, and taught part-time at a massage school (which he hated due to the "down time" --i.e. answering phones while his students worked on clients). He seems to have some ADHD symptoms. I find things to do with my "down time", as I am a very internal person. I used to write my college papers in my head before I committed them to page. All I needed was a detailed written outline (think lower case letters), and about 5 days of procrastination. I typed each and every one of them the day before they were due. Never a late paper, never a grade below 'B'. That is just how my brain works. He also spent time volunteering at a local radio station, and little time at home. He rarely had enough massage clients to pay for renting his office. After two years, and much pleading and negotiating from my end, he sublet the office. I offered to act as receptionist (since he was CONSTANTLY double-booking himself or running late to an appointment or forgetting an appointment. I realized then that he was using the office to avoid being home.
(to be continued...)

Growth and Change

When Brick was born, I kept a handwritten journal, and wrote often during his infancy. In his baby book, I recorded the date each new tooth broke through the gum. I photographed our new little family and faithfully posted them to share with family and friends. I still use the camera and I still write, but gone are the days when I actually posted pictures in a timely manner, or was able to find a pen and the baby book to record the appearance of a new tooth.
Brick now reads. He turns five later this month. He has been reading random words for a few months now. He does pretty well sounding out words as well. He is still very compassionate, smart, and talkative. But, he also has grown picky about some foods and his attention-seeking behaviors have turned negative on occasion. Some might say his 'boy' energy is showing. For the most part, he is a really wonderful older brother to Puddles.
Puddles could not be cuter. I am surprised just how much he picks up by imitation of his brother and myself (and others, too, I'm sure). Around 16-18 months, he added phrases to his single words (one of the first discernible word was my given name), "I will" "I do" "there you go", for example. He also sings songs that one can figure out by melody; songs like "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", "Trot, Old Joe", and "Old MacDonald". He walks around and randomly sings "EIEIO...quack quack quack". After visiting my sister in Texas, now he also says, "hot cocoa" in a very charming manner. He likes to help with everything--getting dressed, cooking, cleaning, carrying items, et cetera. He wants to do all things himself. He will turn two next month. He's very social and loves to be outside. He also likes scribbling.
I am trying to bring about changes in our lives. My partner and I attending counseling separately and together. This has been on-going for the last couple of months. We have witnessed some positive changes in how we relate to each other and plan on continuing with therapy until we feel secure that we can do this family thing well on our own. Personally, I feel more secure than I have in quite awhile. So, life is looking a little bit brighter, as we all keep learning and growing together.

Transition...

Things finally came to a head with the boys' dad. I called the police and he was arrested. He smashed in the windshield of our car, while Brick was strapped in his car seat and Puddles was walking around the car. I am now in the process of deciding what to do. On one hand, I want to salvage the relationship's status-quo. The boys and I have developed an emotional attachment to their father and his family. On the other hand, I wonder if I am a fool to let him stay in the house right now. Before this incident, he was on a waiting list for a group called the ATA group, Alternatives to Aggression. He was wait listed because he wasn't court ordered.

The police have a pretty proactive Domestic Violence program in our city. I have been in touch with them and now have a support group to attend and legal advocacy as well. This whole journey has been rough. I was in my mid-30's when Jaybe and I met. Our wedding was held one year after our first date. I had wanted a longer engagement, but due to Jaybe's mom's schedule as a teacher, we ended up having a Winter wedding instead of the Spring wedding that I desired. So we married out West, half-way up a mountain. It snowed in the early hours of our wedding, so we had the beautiful back drop of the fresh blanket of snow on the ground mixed with the yellowing leaves of the trees--I believe Ash trees.

Looking back, I am not sure when the power and control issues started. He has always described himself as 'stubborn'. But it is more than that...rigid in his views of how and when things should be done and temperamental in a very immature way when they aren't done---pouting, stomping through the house, etc. Jaybe thinks that things started when we had our first baby, about 4 years after our wedding. But he was controlling before that. I first noticed the inappropriate violence when, one night, upon returning home from piano lessons, I was surprised to see a hole in our front window. Jaybe had been watching Brick, who was about 6 months old at the time. He became frustrated because Brick wouldn't settle down and stop crying. So he left the bedroom and threw a hard plastic teething ring through the front window. Then he went outside for a cooling off period.

At first I was ashamed to tell anyone. At that point I thought maybe it was a one time thing, and I didn't want people to be judgmental of him or me. Him for doing it, me for not leaving. Eventually, I did open up and tell it to some of the people whom with I am closest. Thus begun the cycle....
The book I read that Churlita (shout out, girlfriend) recommended "Why Does He DO That" by Lundy Bancroft, should be required reading for all adolescent girls. Amazing book...so helpful. One of the things I am seeking at the hearing is court-ordered counseling. So he may be on the fast track to the ATA or some other similar group. That is my last and only hope for us to stay together.

Today, I attended a scheduled Parent / teacher conference. The director and I both hoped that Jaybe would show up. Of course, he found a way out of it. I told her that I would tell him that she wants to have a conference with him and she said, "Good." She is planning on telling him to "Man up and fill his shoes as a part of the family". She, too, thinks that postponing a restraining order at this point is prudent. She has seen abusive men belligerent and violent about trying to pick up their kids. Most homicide victims of abusive men happen AFTER the woman has left the abuser. I learned that when I did a college internship at a Domestic Violence Intervention Program i.e. a women's shelter. The other night he asked me what I wanted him to do to help me. I looked at him and said, "Leave". That was not the response he sought. At that point I mentioned a restraining order, and he said that to him, that felt like sliding a knife in his gut and saying, "I could kill you," and twisting it a little bit.

I believe that he loves us, in what is his perception of love. And he tries to be a good dad to the boys, but he loses his temper and scares the boys. This is way too reminiscent of my childhood. I had a controlling mother that frightened me and an alcoholic father, who could be loving OR extremely violent. Our closeness as a couple has suffered greatly. I can't be sexual with someone who scares me.

Soon the boys and I are going out of town to visit family. I need some perspective, I need some solace. I need some sleep.

Troubles with Jaybe...

The other day my idiot partner, frightened Brick so much that he now is puking from stress when he has to be around his dad. The 2nd ultimatum was given from me. The first one given about 2 months ago. He followed it half-assedly. Now I have issued the second ultimatum. He said that the drugs made him feel like a "compliant member of society". I told him that he can either be a compliant member of society and a Dad or he can be a loose cannon (and not a dad). Tomorrow I am going to call the local domestic abuse prevention program--Canopy. I don't know what to do. He loves his boys--especially Puddles. He has always felt like Brick is his competition. Okay, I partnered with a man who is 5 years younger than I am, but he is over 35. Honestly, do they never grow up. I have a book on hold at the library that is called "The self-esteem trap" It is about the parents who try to be their kid's friends instead of parents. It came highly recommended.
I will protect my children at any cost...any cost. I am about to burst. I just see black when I close my eyes. I dropped off the car at 8:45 tonight, because he can pay $500 for a fucking 3rd--yes THIRD bicycle, but he can't pay a cent or put any effort into making sure that me & the boys are safe in the car. The car has needed the rear brakes replaced for probably a year now. In all that time, he bought the brakes and had them in the basement of our house for about 9 months now. Really? Do I have to protect my family in every way, shape and form. I am just frickin' disgusted. the world revolves around Jaybe. You would think the sun rose and set on his ass. WTF. Seriously...
I am trying to deal with the fact that 3 1/2 months ago, my older brother, my first best friend was mysteriously killed in a plane crash after a depositon and before testifying. I recently discovered that the prosecuting atty had tried to issue an order of protection. I wish to GOD he had succeeded. I miss Clem so damned much. Not having him call on my birthday just cut me to the bone. I want to scream and thrash and cry and rage...I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH. It's not fair and I hate the politicians more and more.
And all Jaybe can see is that I am having trouble getting out of bed and I am letting the kids watch too much tv. Okay, I live with PTSD from childhood abuse triggered by a PC experience, Post partum depression after both my kids; I was hospitalized after the second one, when I couldn't sleep for an indeterminant amount of time. Thank goodness that I was, because I was finally able to get back on the anti-anxieties, that I was practically pleading for--but since I don't experience anxiety every day--it cycles--some doctors think I am med-seeking, which is a joke b/c I am sensitive to chemicals and drugs and rarely even take a tylenol.
Anyway...that's whats going on with me. If anyone reads this and has constructive advice, or words of strength, please let me know. I just want to be a good mom to my kids.

Deceptive dreams...

From the blog "I had a dream" about Clem speaking an African tonal language without using tones, as if he were speaking English, and he said that the people did understand him, when I knew darn well that they didn't; while he was alive, i thought I was projecting, but as I understand the situation now, he chose to share with me only the things that directly affected our relationship. He never even really talked about his kids. But one child, the one with whom I have the most strained relationship was in the dream. I think that for me what this means is that through his death, maybe I can become closer to his widow and children. Also, I felt guilty about something that I told him I would do that I still haven't done. Now I realize that he was the one deceiving me. This is the best I can do for now. I am also planning on splitting my blogs to separate the dream journal from the kids journal.