Troubles with Jaybe...

The other day my idiot partner, frightened Brick so much that he now is puking from stress when he has to be around his dad. The 2nd ultimatum was given from me. The first one given about 2 months ago. He followed it half-assedly. Now I have issued the second ultimatum. He said that the drugs made him feel like a "compliant member of society". I told him that he can either be a compliant member of society and a Dad or he can be a loose cannon (and not a dad). Tomorrow I am going to call the local domestic abuse prevention program--Canopy. I don't know what to do. He loves his boys--especially Puddles. He has always felt like Brick is his competition. Okay, I partnered with a man who is 5 years younger than I am, but he is over 35. Honestly, do they never grow up. I have a book on hold at the library that is called "The self-esteem trap" It is about the parents who try to be their kid's friends instead of parents. It came highly recommended.
I will protect my children at any cost...any cost. I am about to burst. I just see black when I close my eyes. I dropped off the car at 8:45 tonight, because he can pay $500 for a fucking 3rd--yes THIRD bicycle, but he can't pay a cent or put any effort into making sure that me & the boys are safe in the car. The car has needed the rear brakes replaced for probably a year now. In all that time, he bought the brakes and had them in the basement of our house for about 9 months now. Really? Do I have to protect my family in every way, shape and form. I am just frickin' disgusted. the world revolves around Jaybe. You would think the sun rose and set on his ass. WTF. Seriously...
I am trying to deal with the fact that 3 1/2 months ago, my older brother, my first best friend was mysteriously killed in a plane crash after a depositon and before testifying. I recently discovered that the prosecuting atty had tried to issue an order of protection. I wish to GOD he had succeeded. I miss Clem so damned much. Not having him call on my birthday just cut me to the bone. I want to scream and thrash and cry and rage...I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH. It's not fair and I hate the politicians more and more.
And all Jaybe can see is that I am having trouble getting out of bed and I am letting the kids watch too much tv. Okay, I live with PTSD from childhood abuse triggered by a PC experience, Post partum depression after both my kids; I was hospitalized after the second one, when I couldn't sleep for an indeterminant amount of time. Thank goodness that I was, because I was finally able to get back on the anti-anxieties, that I was practically pleading for--but since I don't experience anxiety every day--it cycles--some doctors think I am med-seeking, which is a joke b/c I am sensitive to chemicals and drugs and rarely even take a tylenol.
Anyway...that's whats going on with me. If anyone reads this and has constructive advice, or words of strength, please let me know. I just want to be a good mom to my kids.

Deceptive dreams...

From the blog "I had a dream" about Clem speaking an African tonal language without using tones, as if he were speaking English, and he said that the people did understand him, when I knew darn well that they didn't; while he was alive, i thought I was projecting, but as I understand the situation now, he chose to share with me only the things that directly affected our relationship. He never even really talked about his kids. But one child, the one with whom I have the most strained relationship was in the dream. I think that for me what this means is that through his death, maybe I can become closer to his widow and children. Also, I felt guilty about something that I told him I would do that I still haven't done. Now I realize that he was the one deceiving me. This is the best I can do for now. I am also planning on splitting my blogs to separate the dream journal from the kids journal.