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Okay I was unfair to Dude in that rejected somewhat spiteful post. I don't know that he ever lied to me about anything. I don't know that he is controlling or just a man trying to keep control of his life. As I go skipping all starry-eyed into our future like stalkergrrrrl323 or something. Here's a man, slightly older but we're at an age where it doesn't matter. He has a boy 6 months Brick's senior. I haven't met Rus, but physically he's a cute kid caught up in a messy situation. Sound familiar? Dude is funny, quick-witted and intelligent. An introvert. Friends are always surprised when I mention that I consider myself an introvert. I am an extrovert wannabe. Painfully shy as a child, I studied human behavior. I sat on the outskirts of life, most memorably with my loving Grandpa, (retrospectively a sort of chubby little leprochan of a man and oh! that mischevious twinkle!) who\;.ould have an arm around me and hold me close as if to silently say, "oh my little eskaysea, everything is going to be all right. That is just how she is. " She being my Grandma. Okay, back to the matter at hand.
Dude and I tried to be friends, I went into stalker mode catchhimandholdhimtightandneverevereverevereverlethimgobecauseicaughtmea MAN! Sent mixed messages, up to 5 or so a day sometimes. I'm pissed LOVE ME NEED ME NEVER LEAVE ME. I'm sure some can relate. BEGGING him to ask me for space if he needed it. When he finally asked I gave him cyberspace. I 'unfriended' him. And then, in a flash, sent a message, followed by, the next day, a friend request with an additional message. I'm like Monica on "Friends". This is me being breezy, being casual. Oh. Yeah. Howdoya like me now? Some yesterday, I finally got the friend request after I left him a more coherent message and handed over the reins of the friendship for awhile. Let's see if I can try to keep myself sane this time. I want to do some energy work on him. I think it would be a great experience, as long as we can keep our filthyflirty mouths shut during it. We will see in July. That is when I will visit his hometown, my old college town.
He was born in Uganda. His parents were missionaries. I met him while I was waiting tables in a Midwestern college town. He wasn't my type. Blond, long-haired big guy--well-built. I preferred dark-haired, light eyed, shorter men. He didn't have a pretty face. Not that I was into pretty boys, but he wasn't, well, what I would consider attractive, physically.
I was short. At 5'3 1/2", I was the shortest in my family. Mom, Dad, 5 siblings and me. Dark-haired, bluish-green eyes, a fit farm-girl physique. We jump started our relationship one cold drunken night. I remember being in the back seat of the head bartender's car. The bartender "Brother Bart" (since he was one waitress's big brother, but he acted like he was all of the staff's big brother) was the owner/designated driver of the car. After offering to drive us home, he learned that I lived not in the actual 'city', but a near-by town, Reefton, from which I biked to work. Neither Schmark nor I owned a car. "Reefton? You want me to drive all the way to Reefton?" Schmark said, "You can crash at my place." "Okay." A bunch of us had been playing a friendly game of poker earlier and I, being a very amorous drunk with a friendly/flirty nature, and Schmark, being a man, well it wasn't difficult to predict what would happen next. "Are you sure?" Brother Bart asked several times. Making sure he asked me directly. With a resigned sigh, and his big old dark brown beater car warmed up, he pulled out of the parking lot and drove us to Schmark's place.
He lived upstairs in a loft/studio apartment of sorts. As I walked up the steps I noticed a big wooden pizza paddle hanging on the wall. I remember asking suggestively, "what will we be using this for?" A big futon on the floor was his bed. He had a sound system next to it. He played Suzanna Vega's album for me. At the time, she had but one album. His foreplay included the best oral sex I've ever received. Gentle, sweet and playful.
That was 23 years ago. Schmark's long gone. He died 16 years ago. But I remember him fondly on this Memorial Day weekend, because his memorial (he was cremated) was on Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah, so it is over. He declared by e-mail that I had too many issues for him to 'rescue' me. His evidence? My messy house. I informed Dude that my house is messy because I give my kids priority in my life. And that not only do I not need rescuing, I am stronger than he is, and also I would not accept his 'rescuing' of me. How very white of him. How very male of him. So now I realize that just like my ex, Dude is controlling. I just failed to pick up on it through e-mail, facebook messaging and over the phone. Hiding such a thing in person, however, is a bit more challenging.
The way he almost instantly bonded with my kids, and there I am feeling like Muriel Prichett in the Accidental Tourist where she is telling William Hurt's character not to get too close to her son, not to make him promises he can't keep. I feel the same way about Dude. Don't get close to my darling children. Leave them alone. Don't give them hope, don't strive to be a 'good role model', as you said you could be for them if you lived closer. This is another thing that I DID NOT ask you for. Yet another thing that you offer up to me on a silver platter as if it were a gift. Your free advice (controlling) your instant bonding with my boys (controlling), your judgment of me and my life due to my disorderly house (controlling). I am beginning to sincerely believe that men are nothing but controlling. I am done with my transition guy. What comes next? I take a couple of years off because by GOD if I wasn't gun-shy before. Crap. And he has this 'dirty little secret' that an ex of his blabbed. Of course I could VERY easily find out what it is, but do you know what? I don't care. Just as I no longer care for him. I feel nothing but relief that he is out of my life. i feel good that I can now concentrate on my life, my kids, without the distraction of making time to interact with this loser. It is so funny how easily he was able to pull the wool over my eyes. Me, the survivor, me, who believes that in love there is a learning curve and that I am on top of that learning curve. Apparently not. He put up a good front, telling me everything I wanted to hear. He was good. He was practiced, but then again, most of them are. Most of them have that 'charm' survival mechanism. They will say anything to relate to you, to worm their ways into your life, your heart. Then, and only then will they show their true colors. Then you are fucked. Pardon my language, but I think that is the only effective way of saying it. So yes, I dodged a bullet, and yes, I am grateful, but there is the little part inside me that glommed onto that hope. That little part is greatly disappointed. I will survive, I always do. And even though he lied to me and my perception of men is as bad if not worse than it was when I got to know him, I still hold on to one small glimmer of hope. I am not sure why.
So, my head is in a fog today. It has been too long since I have written. I need to write and exercise in order to keep myself sane. I am exercising pretty regularly, this is good. Okay. Where to start? Today, my focus will be a 'relationship' of sorts that has been on-going for a few months. Until yesterday I had not met the person, our dealings with each other were purely by phone, social networking, & Scrabble-playing. I don't even have a good pseudonym, so he will be Dude. We have been messaging extensively in the last 4 months or so, getting to know each other through telephone and written word. I was planning on meeting him in his town the day before my birthday. This is about a month away. I was getting cold feet. I pushed back the visit by one day. Almost as soon as I did that I get a call from Dude saying that he and his friend are planning on road tripping to my town for the day to attend the political rally that is on-going to fight the Governor's proposed budget cut which includes depriving some state workers from collective bargaining. He calls stating that he wants to come and asks, "Is that okay?" (NO! NO!NONONONONONONO!) "Sure." I resently had my water heater replaced, my kitchen is the filthiest it has ever been. Then I had the flu. It lasted 2 days, I just recovered. With the kitchen being a mess, I haven't had time to clean the rest of the house. My WHOLE house is a disaster area, and he gives me 24 hour notice. Damn!
Also, after Puddles was born, I was in physical therapy and being treated by a chiropractor for 18 months. I still haven't lost my baby weight, and I really want to. I just started working out on a full time basis. And, lastly, I don't like when my plans get trumped. I was just getting used to the idea that I had only a month to prepare. A month shrinks to less than 24 hours. Crap.
I like that we've resolved at least 3 disagreements, we've learned a lot about each other's upbringing and past. We had a period where he rejected me because his therapist said that he wasn't ready. We've exchanged more info in a few short months than I have with others during an entire relationship. And yet, I don't know. He has a lot of issues and something that he is not yet ready to share with me. I have a lot of issues. We ARE both working on our issues, so that says something. He is more like me than anyone I've ever dated. And yet, today, I am left wondering if we will get to the stage where we ARE dating.
He is great with kids. He was great with my kids, holding the younger, hugging the older and I am thinking, "Dude, don't write checks with your actions that your heart can't cash. Don't give my babies hope." They so crave adult male attention. And before you know it, Brick is saying, "Mom, I like spending time with him". And Puddles is stating, "I like Dude, he is very nice to me." Puddles is 3 now, when he says 'very nice' it sounds like 'fairy nice' which is super cute.We go to the rally and after that to a busy, child-oriented restaurant. I can't get a read on my own feelings toward him, let alone his feeling toward me. I was so sure about 'us' before I met him. He kept warning me about making him the perfect person. So now I am hesitant. The kids are involved. I am still a bit shell-shocked from my relationship with Jaybe. I thought he would make a good dad. I had the wool pulled over my eyes. Is Dude indeed like me? Is he a good guy? I think so, I hope so. Is he even interested after seeing my messy house, my chubby body? How do I feel about him? The commitment-phobe in me is scared. I truly believe that Clem had a hand in bringing Dude into my life due to the fact that it was my Catholicism that opened the door of communication between us. Dude was intrigued that I was raised Irish Catholic. After Clem's funeral, his widow told all Clem's siblings how much he wanted us to go back to the church. Was this lapsed Catholic boy going to lead me back to the church of my youth? I don't know.
There were moments, for me, at least, where I felt some attraction, some level of comfortableness. But my lack of sleep and complete nervousness clouded my mind, leaving me in a fog of panic for most of the encounter. I think the upshot of the premature (in my mind) meeting is that I am more certain now more than ever, that if we do become anything more than friends, we have to take it slow, not only for our kids' sakes (He has a boy that is slightly older than Brick) but also for our own sakes. A part of me is very invested in our friendship, and wants to stay there. But there is another part of me that asks myself questions from a Fleetwood Mac song, "Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?"
I don't know...I really, really don't know. I hope to find out, though. Damn.
The main reason that I postponed asking for child support was that I wanted to take the kids on one last long train ride for the last time before I would have to deal with his controlling b.s. We first traveled by car in early July to my parents' house in order to celebrate my dad's birthday. But we actually boarded a train the third of July and traveled by train to Washington, D.C. and were then picked up by my friend Mimi in Baltimore. We had a roomette on the train and a great trip. Sleeping on the train was fun. We stayed with her and her two boys, Atticus and Danny. They are 13 and 7, respectively. They live in a lovely neighborhood in a nice older house. Mimi had gone through much the same as I, except that her ex was adulterous, not abusive. She was welcoming. We were staying for 2 weeks at their house.
We arrived on the 4th of July, the boys were at their father's. The day was laid back and relaxing. The boys were able to watch fireworks from their upstairs window. It was one of the most wonderful, laid-back time with my dear, sweet, generous friend from college. Her 2 boys, my two boys and a lovely time in Baltimore.
