Transition...

Things finally came to a head with the boys' dad. I called the police and he was arrested. He smashed in the windshield of our car, while Brick was strapped in his car seat and Puddles was walking around the car. I am now in the process of deciding what to do. On one hand, I want to salvage the relationship's status-quo. The boys and I have developed an emotional attachment to their father and his family. On the other hand, I wonder if I am a fool to let him stay in the house right now. Before this incident, he was on a waiting list for a group called the ATA group, Alternatives to Aggression. He was wait listed because he wasn't court ordered.

The police have a pretty proactive Domestic Violence program in our city. I have been in touch with them and now have a support group to attend and legal advocacy as well. This whole journey has been rough. I was in my mid-30's when Jaybe and I met. Our wedding was held one year after our first date. I had wanted a longer engagement, but due to Jaybe's mom's schedule as a teacher, we ended up having a Winter wedding instead of the Spring wedding that I desired. So we married out West, half-way up a mountain. It snowed in the early hours of our wedding, so we had the beautiful back drop of the fresh blanket of snow on the ground mixed with the yellowing leaves of the trees--I believe Ash trees.

Looking back, I am not sure when the power and control issues started. He has always described himself as 'stubborn'. But it is more than that...rigid in his views of how and when things should be done and temperamental in a very immature way when they aren't done---pouting, stomping through the house, etc. Jaybe thinks that things started when we had our first baby, about 4 years after our wedding. But he was controlling before that. I first noticed the inappropriate violence when, one night, upon returning home from piano lessons, I was surprised to see a hole in our front window. Jaybe had been watching Brick, who was about 6 months old at the time. He became frustrated because Brick wouldn't settle down and stop crying. So he left the bedroom and threw a hard plastic teething ring through the front window. Then he went outside for a cooling off period.

At first I was ashamed to tell anyone. At that point I thought maybe it was a one time thing, and I didn't want people to be judgmental of him or me. Him for doing it, me for not leaving. Eventually, I did open up and tell it to some of the people whom with I am closest. Thus begun the cycle....
The book I read that Churlita (shout out, girlfriend) recommended "Why Does He DO That" by Lundy Bancroft, should be required reading for all adolescent girls. Amazing book...so helpful. One of the things I am seeking at the hearing is court-ordered counseling. So he may be on the fast track to the ATA or some other similar group. That is my last and only hope for us to stay together.

Today, I attended a scheduled Parent / teacher conference. The director and I both hoped that Jaybe would show up. Of course, he found a way out of it. I told her that I would tell him that she wants to have a conference with him and she said, "Good." She is planning on telling him to "Man up and fill his shoes as a part of the family". She, too, thinks that postponing a restraining order at this point is prudent. She has seen abusive men belligerent and violent about trying to pick up their kids. Most homicide victims of abusive men happen AFTER the woman has left the abuser. I learned that when I did a college internship at a Domestic Violence Intervention Program i.e. a women's shelter. The other night he asked me what I wanted him to do to help me. I looked at him and said, "Leave". That was not the response he sought. At that point I mentioned a restraining order, and he said that to him, that felt like sliding a knife in his gut and saying, "I could kill you," and twisting it a little bit.

I believe that he loves us, in what is his perception of love. And he tries to be a good dad to the boys, but he loses his temper and scares the boys. This is way too reminiscent of my childhood. I had a controlling mother that frightened me and an alcoholic father, who could be loving OR extremely violent. Our closeness as a couple has suffered greatly. I can't be sexual with someone who scares me.

Soon the boys and I are going out of town to visit family. I need some perspective, I need some solace. I need some sleep.