End of the transition...

Yeah, so it is over. He declared by e-mail that I had too many issues for him to 'rescue' me. His evidence? My messy house. I informed Dude that my house is messy because I give my kids priority in my life. And that not only do I not need rescuing, I am stronger than he is, and also I would not accept his 'rescuing' of me. How very white of him. How very male of him. So now I realize that just like my ex, Dude is controlling. I just failed to pick up on it through e-mail, facebook messaging and over the phone. Hiding such a thing in person, however, is a bit more challenging.
The way he almost instantly bonded with my kids, and there I am feeling like Muriel Prichett in the Accidental Tourist where she is telling William Hurt's character not to get too close to her son, not to make him promises he can't keep. I feel the same way about Dude. Don't get close to my darling children. Leave them alone. Don't give them hope, don't strive to be a 'good role model', as you said you could be for them if you lived closer. This is another thing that I DID NOT ask you for. Yet another thing that you offer up to me on a silver platter as if it were a gift. Your free advice (controlling) your instant bonding with my boys (controlling), your judgment of me and my life due to my disorderly house (controlling). I am beginning to sincerely believe that men are nothing but controlling. I am done with my transition guy. What comes next? I take a couple of years off because by GOD if I wasn't gun-shy before. Crap. And he has this 'dirty little secret' that an ex of his blabbed. Of course I could VERY easily find out what it is, but do you know what? I don't care. Just as I no longer care for him. I feel nothing but relief that he is out of my life. i feel good that I can now concentrate on my life, my kids, without the distraction of making time to interact with this loser. It is so funny how easily he was able to pull the wool over my eyes. Me, the survivor, me, who believes that in love there is a learning curve and that I am on top of that learning curve. Apparently not. He put up a good front, telling me everything I wanted to hear. He was good. He was practiced, but then again, most of them are. Most of them have that 'charm' survival mechanism. They will say anything to relate to you, to worm their ways into your life, your heart. Then, and only then will they show their true colors. Then you are fucked. Pardon my language, but I think that is the only effective way of saying it. So yes, I dodged a bullet, and yes, I am grateful, but there is the little part inside me that glommed onto that hope. That little part is greatly disappointed. I will survive, I always do. And even though he lied to me and my perception of men is as bad if not worse than it was when I got to know him, I still hold on to one small glimmer of hope. I am not sure why.

Upping the Ante

So, my head is in a fog today. It has been too long since I have written. I need to write and exercise in order to keep myself sane. I am exercising pretty regularly, this is good. Okay. Where to start? Today, my focus will be a 'relationship' of sorts that has been on-going for a few months. Until yesterday I had not met the person, our dealings with each other were purely by phone, social networking, & Scrabble-playing. I don't even have a good pseudonym, so he will be Dude. We have been messaging extensively in the last 4 months or so, getting to know each other through telephone and written word. I was planning on meeting him in his town the day before my birthday. This is about a month away. I was getting cold feet. I pushed back the visit by one day. Almost as soon as I did that I get a call from Dude saying that he and his friend are planning on road tripping to my town for the day to attend the political rally that is on-going to fight the Governor's proposed budget cut which includes depriving some state workers from collective bargaining. He calls stating that he wants to come and asks, "Is that okay?" (NO! NO!NONONONONONONO!) "Sure." I resently had my water heater replaced, my kitchen is the filthiest it has ever been. Then I had the flu. It lasted 2 days, I just recovered. With the kitchen being a mess, I haven't had time to clean the rest of the house. My WHOLE house is a disaster area, and he gives me 24 hour notice. Damn!
Also, after Puddles was born, I was in physical therapy and being treated by a chiropractor for 18 months. I still haven't lost my baby weight, and I really want to. I just started working out on a full time basis. And, lastly, I don't like when my plans get trumped. I was just getting used to the idea that I had only a month to prepare. A month shrinks to less than 24 hours. Crap.
I like that we've resolved at least 3 disagreements, we've learned a lot about each other's upbringing and past. We had a period where he rejected me because his therapist said that he wasn't ready. We've exchanged more info in a few short months than I have with others during an entire relationship. And yet, I don't know. He has a lot of issues and something that he is not yet ready to share with me. I have a lot of issues. We ARE both working on our issues, so that says something. He is more like me than anyone I've ever dated. And yet, today, I am left wondering if we will get to the stage where we ARE dating.
He is great with kids. He was great with my kids, holding the younger, hugging the older and I am thinking, "Dude, don't write checks with your actions that your heart can't cash. Don't give my babies hope." They so crave adult male attention. And before you know it, Brick is saying, "Mom, I like spending time with him". And Puddles is stating, "I like Dude, he is very nice to me." Puddles is 3 now, when he says 'very nice' it sounds like 'fairy nice' which is super cute.
We go to the rally and after that to a busy, child-oriented restaurant. I can't get a read on my own feelings toward him, let alone his feeling toward me. I was so sure about 'us' before I met him. He kept warning me about making him the perfect person. So now I am hesitant. The kids are involved. I am still a bit shell-shocked from my relationship with Jaybe. I thought he would make a good dad. I had the wool pulled over my eyes. Is Dude indeed like me? Is he a good guy? I think so, I hope so. Is he even interested after seeing my messy house, my chubby body? How do I feel about him? The commitment-phobe in me is scared. I truly believe that Clem had a hand in bringing Dude into my life due to the fact that it was my Catholicism that opened the door of communication between us. Dude was intrigued that I was raised Irish Catholic. After Clem's funeral, his widow told all Clem's siblings how much he wanted us to go back to the church. Was this lapsed Catholic boy going to lead me back to the church of my youth? I don't know.
There were moments, for me, at least, where I felt some attraction, some level of comfortableness. But my lack of sleep and complete nervousness clouded my mind, leaving me in a fog of panic for most of the encounter. I think the upshot of the premature (in my mind) meeting is that I am more certain now more than ever, that if we do become anything more than friends, we have to take it slow, not only for our kids' sakes (He has a boy that is slightly older than Brick) but also for our own sakes. A part of me is very invested in our friendship, and wants to stay there. But there is another part of me that asks myself questions from a Fleetwood Mac song, "Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?"
I don't know...I really, really don't know. I hope to find out, though. Damn.